


Bleach: The Trouble with Valentine's Day

by YenGirl



Category: Bleach
Genre: Almost Crack, Gen, Humour, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-28 07:14:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17782958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YenGirl/pseuds/YenGirl
Summary: In which Yachiru Kusajishi spreads flowers and mayhem in equal amounts, much to the detriment of two best friends. And Captain Zaraki is no help at all.





	Bleach: The Trouble with Valentine's Day

**Author Notes:**  Hello everyone and Happy Valentine's Day! It's time for someone to get teased again. Hope you like it :)

**Warnings:**  Silliness, possible OOC-ness and minimal plot if any.

**Rating:**  T

**Disclaimer:**  Bleach belongs to Tite Kubo.

\- Story Start -

Ikkaku Madarame's eyes - both of them - had been twitching all morning.

Just because the Living World celebrated some nonsense called Valentine's Day, the Shinigami Women's Association had seen fit to decorate the entrances of the Gotei 13 barracks with bunches of flowers, cutouts of winged cherubs bearing a striking resemblance to Yachiru Kusajishi (not that she was one), red heart shaped cutouts and pink balloons.

After encountering half a dozen hideously decorated barracks, Ikkaku had hightailed it back to Squad 11, taking to the rooftops when he saw Rangiku Matsumoto, Nanao Ise and even Nemu hawking flower garlands and cards at street corners, no doubt to raise funds for their association. The growing line of fools queuing up to buy said items made Ikkaku doubly glad that Captain Zaraki - the most fearsome and bloodthirsty Captain of the Gotei 13 - wouldn't allow so much as a petal inside his barracks and would likely beat the crap out of anyone who dared to do so.

Hah! Not that any Squad 11 officer worth their weight in salt - or sweat, same thing - would ever stoop so low.

Would they?

Brushing aside a pesky, almost uneasy thought (as well as an image of pretty purple eyes and a bright smile), Ikkaku leapt down from the roof, crossed the street and turned the corner, only to screech to a stop. A wisp of smoke drifted up from the friction of his sandals against cement, but he didn't notice.

What... when... how...  _why_  the hell had Captain Zaraki not torn down the flowers and balloons adorning the entrance, roof  _and_  walls of Squad 11, for cryin' out loud! It was easily the most flowery barracks compared to the others!

"Oh, you look great, Ken-chan!"

Slowly, Ikkaku's twitching eyes traveled to the left side of the building where Captain Zaraki sat cross legged on the walkway, Yachiru standing in front of him with a mirror in her hand and admiring the unspeakably embarrassing picture he made with a garland of flowers around his neck and another atop his head, woven around the bell tipped spikes of hair.

Ah.

Because Lieutenant Yachiru Kusajishi just happened to be the Chairwoman of the Shinigami Women's Association. And as much as it pained Ikkaku to admit that his beloved Captain Zaraki had any sort of weakness, he did... and it was called Yachiru.

"Now, say 'cheese'!"

"Cheese."

The unmistakable click of a camera was enough to spur Ikkaku into action. Sucking a deep, fortifying breath through his flaring nostrils, he  _shunpoed_  past the gates and through the entrance before either of them could see him. No way was he going to get himself caught by that evil little fiend and forced to wear any sort of floral decorations on his person, and worse still, have a photo taken of him.

He would rather go naked through the streets of Seireitei first!

Fists swinging by his sides and face like a thundercloud, he stalked through the corridors in search of Yumichika Ayasegawa, his best friend who could always be counted on to provide a listening ear, an understanding smile, a stress relieving spar, or all three. Ikkaku nodded curtly to the greetings he received from his fellow officers, mollified that none of them were wearing anything out of the ordinary.

\- o -

The large dormitory, filled with two long rows of beds in various unmade stages, was empty save for a figure with shiny hair in a bob cut at the far end of the room, standing beside the only neatly made bed.

As always, Ikkaku felt his annoyance melt away at the sight of his best friend.

"Yo, Yumi," he called, striding towards him.

Yumichika turned around with his usual grace and smiled.

"Good morning, Ikkaku. You were up early today."

"Couldn't sleep." Ikkaku was more relieved than he cared to admit not to see a single flower on his best friend except for those ubiquitous eye feathers. He had half feared that perhaps-

Wait.

Leaning forward, well into Yumichika's personal space, he squinted. There were tiny white blobs on those red and yellow eye feathers, making them look like they had... well, moulted. Then a pair of hands clamped onto his shoulders and pushed him back.

"They're a nod to today's celebrations," Yumichika explained and sighed as the feathers fell from his eyes, and he caught them. "But they refuse to stay on!"

If it were anyone else, Ikkaku would say they were whining, except that Yumichika Ayasegawa, for all his fixation on looks and beauty, did  _not_  whine.

"What are they?" He forced himself to ask.

Yumichika looked surprised.

"Why, my eye feathers," he replied as if they were obvious.

"I meant that white stuff. Are they supposed to be flo - uh..." Ikkaku faltered, his tongue refusing to say that particular 'F' word out loud.

"Flowers?" Yumichika said it for him. "Of course. Isn't it obvious?"

Ikkaku's eyes started up again. Right, left, twitch, twitch - alternating like windshield wipers.

"Because of today? Did that little fiend put you up to it?" He demanded, fists on hips.

"Lieutenant Kusajishi? Of course not," Yumichika sniffed. "It was  _my_  idea, I'll have you know."

"Ah."

"Don't you like it?"

Ikkaku took a physical and mental step back, resolutely keeping the resounding 'Of course not!' behind clenched teeth. He cleared his throat instead.

"They're yours, wear 'em anyhow you like," he mumbled, dreadfully aware that he - brutally honest, forthright, no-beating-about-the-bush-or-hemming-and-hawing Ikkaku Madarame - was evading the question altogether.

Still, it was worth it to see Yumichika's smile of relief.

"I  _do_  look good with them, don't I?"

"Uh." Ikkaku clenched his jaw so hard his teeth were on the verge of cracking. He was saved when Yumichika gave a light laugh and squeezed his shoulder, regarding him with a slightly tilted head and an affectionate smile.

"You don't have to answer. Of course I look beautiful with them."

"Yeah," Ikkaku agreed in relief and almost bit his tongue in mortification. Thankfully, Yumichika just laughed again.

"Thank you! But they won't stay on. I think the flowers made them too heavy."

Ikkaku nodded, not trusting himself to say anymore on the subject.

"Therefore, I'm going to use this!" Turning to the small nightstand beside his bed, Yumichika snatched up a tiny bottle and held it up. "The face glue I got from that cosmetics store in Karakura Town."

Ikkaku squinted at the label and shrugged.

"This should help my feathers stay on, but Lieutenant Yachiru borrowed my face mirror a few minutes ago so I need your help." Yumichika sat down on his nicely made bed. "Hurry, I want to look my best when she returns my mirror."

Pressing his lips together, Ikkaku took a tentative step closer and almost yelped when a hand closed around his arm and yanked, making him sit down hard on the bed.

"Now, this glue sets very fast so be careful," Yumichika cautioned. He unscrewed the cover and placed a smear of the clear liquid on the joined ends of the red feathers before holding them out to Ikkaku.

"I'll kill you if you stab my eye," he said, his pleasant tone contrasting with the somewhat chilling words.

"Relax, I've got this." Ikkaku learned in, holding the feathers in a steady hand.

"These go in the inner corner of-"

"I know."

"Of course you do." Yumichika's purple eyes were warm and filled with trust.

Ikkaku could swear there wasn't a soul in the entire Gotei 13 with prettier eyes than his best friend's. He placed the joined ends of the feathers at the inner corner of Yumichika's right eye. A hand clamped on his wrist and he almost jumped.

"Don't move until the glue sets," Yumichika said.

Ikkaku nodded. They were staring at each other, faces barely a foot apart.

Was he breathing too fast?

Or too loud?

He couldn't hear Yumichika's breathing.

Why was that?

"OK. That should do it."

Ikkaku jerked back with a sigh of relief. Yumichika didn't seem to notice as he blinked a couple of times and nodded before picking up the yellow feathers and adding a bit of glue to the joined ends.

"And these go in the outer corner-"

"I know."

"Of course you do." Yumichika's smile was warm.

Ikkaku could swear there wasn't a soul in the entire Gotei 13 with a sweeter smile than his best friend's. He placed the joined ends of the feathers at the outer corner of Yumichika's right eye.

"Don't move yet."

"I won't."

They stayed still for what seemed like an eternity since Ikkaku didn't dare breathe this time. Then warm fingers touched his wrist.

"Alright, you can let go now."

Ikkaku leaned back and exhaled, right hand dropping and brushing against something on the bed.

Yumichika blinked a couple of times, but the feathers stayed on so he nodded before looking around.

"Where's the bottle of glue?"

"You forgot to cap it." Ikkaku handed him the opened bottle, his fingers sticky.

"It spilled?! I just changed the sheets!"

They looked down at the clear liquid on said sheets and then at their fingers with the small bottle between them. Then their heads snapped up and they stared at each other in horror.

The glue had set.

"Oh!"

"Shit!"

Ikkaku felt his eyes starting to twitch again, alternating like clockwork.

"What's wrong with your eyes?"

"Can't you sense it? The. Little. Fiend. Is. Coming." Ikkaku ground out through clenched teeth, cold sweat running down his back.

A familiar voice could be heard outside the hallway, drawing closer with every moment.

"We'll have breakfast right after I return Yumi's mirror, Ken-chan!"

Without a word, Ikkaku and Yumichika got up from the bed and stood beside it, hiding their joined hands - thankfully Yumichika's right and Ikkaku's left - behind their backs.

With any luck, the little fiend would toss them the mirror and be on her merry, devilish way, out to terrorise the rest of Seireitei, Ikkaku prayed, crossing the fingers of his other hand behind his back.

"Yumi, there you are! And so is Q-ball!"

Yachiru sprinted down the two rows of bed while Captain Zaraki lagged a few paces behind, still bedecked in his flower garlands.

"Not. A. Word," Ikkaku breathed.

"None. At. All," Yumichika whispered back before clearing his throat. "Lieutenant Kusajishi, you needn't trouble yourself. I have another mirror, you know."

Ikkaku shot him a sideways glare as Yachiru reached them, happily waving the mirror in her hand and blinding Ikkaku with the reflection of the morning sun from the window. He blinked colourful spots from his eyes just in time to see her placing one of several flower garlands on his best friend's head, Yumichika having bowed a bit to accommodate her.

"What're you doing?!" Ikkaku hissed out of the corner of his mouth.

"I don't think they're beautiful, but just play along," Yumichika whispered.

Ikkaku whose eyes were acting up enough to win The Most Twitchy Eyed competition if one such competition existed, clenched his free hand into a fist.

"Your turn, Q-ball!"

"No."

"Aww, please?"

"Absolutely not!"

"But I made them specially for a bald head like yours!"

"I'm  _not_ -" Ikkaku broke off when he found himself looking down at Kusajishi's feet with his left hand shoved painfully between his shoulder blades.

"Just. Play. Along," Yumichika hissed.

"She. Has. A. Camer-" Ikkaku froze as something was jammed onto his head.

"There, perfect! Now straighten up and say 'cheese'!

"No!"

"Aww, please?"

"Absolutely no-"

Ikkaku found himself yanked upright again, the back of his  _shihakushou_  gripped by strong fingers. For all his fixation on looks and beauty, Yumichika was no pushover in the strength department. Before Ikkaku could escape, torn robes and fingertips be damned, there was the unmistakable click of a camera and a flash bright enough to be seen from the Living World.

"Perfect! This should fetch a pretty sum, don't you think, Ken-chan?"

Ikkaku's heart dropped right down to his feet. He blinked a second round of colourful spots from his eyes and exchanged a look of alarm with Yumichika.

"Hmm. I'm not sure I want photos of our officers with flowers being circulated, Yachiru," Zaraki said, rubbing his chin and scowling.

Ikkaku exchanged a hopeful look with his best friend.

"But I made each garland myself, Ken-chan!"

"You did, huh?" Zaraki shrugged. "Well, have it your way then. I'm off to get breakfast."

Ikkaku's heart, which had started to rise to its proper place, flopped down to his feet again.

"And I'm off to get this developed and printed!" Yachiru cried and sped off, leaving a cloud of dust in her wake. "See you all later!"

"Lieutenant Kusajishi, wait a minute!"

"Get back here!"

Ikkaku and Yumichika took off after her, leaving Captain Zaraki staring after them in surprise.

"Huh," he muttered. "Guess they don't mind being seen with flowers after all. But why are they holding hands?"

\- Story End -

**A/N:**  Thank you for reading! Please leave a review if you enjoyed it :)


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